mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
