You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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