every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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