think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
