i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
