our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
