I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
