We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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