I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
