You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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