i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
