its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
