First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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