I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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