ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
