I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
