I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
NoShamevember. You game?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
