So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
