im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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