is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
