I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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