worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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