i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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