and next time when you feel me up, do it right
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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