I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
