I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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