Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
