Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
