k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
