What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
