he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
