I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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