i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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