are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
