if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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