JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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