I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
