i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This baby is an asshole
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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