bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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