Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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