I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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