Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
