I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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