Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
