My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
