Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I AM VODKA MAN
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
