fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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