I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
