You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
