At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
