There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
