my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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